Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize