put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
