a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize