Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
