Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
