it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
