He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
