I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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