Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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