So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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