his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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