does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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