The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
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