It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
