I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
