OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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