I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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