Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
