i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
