My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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