I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
