I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
