you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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