if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He passed out mid-signature
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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