the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
