Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize