I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
