I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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