I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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