You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
