When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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