We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize