there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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