so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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