Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I need water and some morals
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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