I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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