Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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