I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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