He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
