there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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