Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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