I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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