Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
