Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
