Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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