tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
