I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
