you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
