Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
