fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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