Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Even my vagina gasped.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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