I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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