i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize