she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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