Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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