I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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