I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
