Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
