I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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