hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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