Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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