He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
