Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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