just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
