I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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