You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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