remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
