Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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