You're so nebulous sometimes
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he thought i was a dude.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
